Tommy Hawley: The Musical

Tommy Hawley Tuberville.  The man has yet to step on the sideline for his first game, but has spawned numerous debates all over the blogosphere.  Some of the more heated conversations have taken place right here in DTN.  I know it's physically impossible, but I think I saw punches fly in some of the posts.  Questions pour from our computer screens daily and several keyboards have been broken.  Dedicated DTNers neglect their work and families to check in and see who has commented and who is asking questions.  Will he lead us to a Big 12 Championship?  Will he change our beloved offense?  How many games will he win?  Has he watched Potts throw off his back foot?  Is he buying peanut butter in bulk and delivering it to Sheffield's dorm room?  Are we gonna friggin' punt?  Is he really a pinball wizard?

And, most importantly, what the hell are we supposed to call him? 

All great men acquire nicknames during the course of their careers.  Judging by the number of new monikers floating around, Tommy Hawley is already a legend.  As of today we have at least 18 different ways to identify him.

So, burning questions aside, here is an account of a day in the life of our very own "____________" 

6:00 AM-  Alarm goes off.  Country & Western tunes.  Hit the snooze button quickly.  Speed kills.

6:09 AM- 2nd alarm plays a little louder.  Hum along to Alabama as I climb out of bed.  "If you're gonna win in Texas, you gotta have a fiddle in the band..."

6:10-6:45 AM- All the stuff that's unfit to discuss on a sports blog, but getting ready for the day.

6:45 AM- Log into DTN to get ideas for the new name for the player's walk to the stadium.  Chuckle at some of the suggestions and comments.  Little do they know that the name has already been chosen.  They wouldn't let me use it in Oxford or Auburn, but I negotiated it into my contract this time around.  3 hours prior to kickoff on Saturday fans will be treated to the "Rub a dub dub, big angry men and a Tub" march from the baseball field to the Jones.

6:52 AM- Jot down a few names from DTN that won't be admitted into the stadium next year.  I've got avatars, screen names and connections.

7:02 AM- Grits and cole slaw for breakfast.  You can take the boy out of Alabama...

7:12 AM- Prank call Mike Sherman.  Funny how a D1 football coach can sleep in until 10 every morning.  Even funnier though is that he always falls for my Borat impression:  "Heya Mike.  Why youa steela beating tha sheeap?  Youa Li-yek"  Mike: "Damnit foreigner.  I told you, we don't beat sheep.  We treat our sheep with dignity and respect." 

Sometimes I change it up and pretend to be Rick Perry:  "Mornin' Coach.  Yell Leader One here. Just wanted to let ya know that the DOT announced a new Hurricane Evacuation Plan for Houston.  Texans should take I-10 West to San Antone, Cajuns should take I-10 East to Lake Charles, and Aggies should take 610.  Confirm receipt and let all your Aggies know. Oh, and by the way, Hook 'em"  Sherman: "Will do Yell Leader One.  Thanks for the heads up.  Wait, what?"  Click.  Prank calling Sherman is always a great way to start the day.

7:15 AM- Depart for the office.

7:16 AM-  Arrive at the office. Yes, I bought the top 5 floors of the Overton Hotel.  Why do you think it's always sold out?  Makes the commute bearable and I like to dabble in high rise real estate.  Just can't figure out why Donald Trump won't return my calls.

7:20 AM- Sit down with the AJ and a nice cup of coffee.

7:24 AM- Finish up the last article in the paper.  Lots of information today so it took a little longer.

7:30 AM- 11:30 AM- Defensive skull sessions with DC Willis and his staff.  First order of business is to watch the hit on Colt McCoy in the 1st quarter of the championship game.  We're gonna do a lot of that kind of stuff here.  Too much to log, but you're gonna like it.  I promise.

11:30 AM-12:30 PM- Lunch with Kent and Gerald.  Interesting guys but it's hard to hold a meaningful conversation.  Kent always wants to know if I saw him portrayed in the movie "W" and if I've ever been to Dimmitt.  Gerald sits rocking bath and forth, mumbling "I needed Bonewitz, Carr & Sasser" over and over and over.  At first I thought he was referring to a law firm with all the legal mess going on, but the SID filled me in.  Must have been some down years in the basketball program.  If I ask him any questions he'll act like he doesn't hear me and yell "BOMBS AWAY" or "DAMN THE TORPEDOES" as he shoves his spoon into his soup and splashes it all over his bib.  So, I just usually grab a few quick bites and tell them I've got to get back.  As I walk away I hear them begin to argue.  "You're an idiot."  No, you're the idiot!"  NO, YOU ARE A FRIGGIN IDIOT!"  "You gonna eat that breadstick?" "Shut up."  No YOU Shut up!" "Whatever."   "Why are you wearing that stupid eye patch again?" "You're so embarrassing." "Scoot over."  "No, you scoot over!"  "I swear, I'm gonna stab you with a fork." "BOMBS AWAY!"

12:30 PM- 1:00 PM- Offensive skull session with OC Brown and staff.  Gotta be honest here.  My eyes glaze over as we talk about multiple sets and jail break screens and scoring lots of points.  I try to stay involved but my mind begins to wander.  Defense wins championships.  Speed kills. Don't forget your popcorn.  Who invented popcorn?  Why is there a picture of Geronimo in this film room?  Nevermind, back to offensive planning.  "Yes Coach Brown, Sheffield specifically asked if he could hand off more."  "No, he didn't say why"  I answer as I try not to giggle.

1:00 PM- Take another call from Long John Silvers.  "No, I didn't order 1200 Fish & Chicken Planks.  Who the hell keeps sending these deliveries?"  "No, I am not paying $3,248.50 for last week's orders."  If I find out Leach is behind this I'm gonna come unglued.

1:30 PM- Paint over the last of the pirate ships in my new office.  Mike was a brilliant coach but kinda went overboard with this pirate stuff.  I may or may not have thrown away an actual skull with a moldy, greasy eye patch.  A necklace made from parrot beaks?  Really?  Not sure where he got all this stuff but some of it has to be illegal.

2:00-3:30 PM- Special teams baby!  We're gonna go all kinds of crazy with special teams next year.  Don't forget your popcorn!

3:30-4:30 PM- Call potential recruits.  One that stuck out on this day was a big blue chip linebacker from Oklahoma.  I had to pull out my best lines to get this one locked down. 

Recruit:  "Coach, I like your style but I'm really leanin' towards Coach Gundy and Oklahoma State." 

TT: "Coach Gundy's a boy" 

Recruit: "No, he's 40.  He's a man."  "He told me."

TT: "Son, listen.  Coach Gundy is a boy.  And boys play with toys." 

Recruit: "What?" 

TT: "Boys play with toys.  My name is Tommy and I play with your mommy." 

Laughter all around the office and I can even hear it on the phone.  Willis is laughin' so hard his protein shake starts comin' outta his nose.  Brown is jotting down notes.  I know he plans on using this line in the future.

Recruit: "Ok coach, sign me up." 

That SEC recruiting experience is really gonna pay off.

4:30-5:30 PM- Media time.  Shake some hands, give a few interviews, take in a few donations.  All in a days work.  Show Mr. Sowell around my new office.  "See Jim, no pirates anywhere."  "Now, I just have to figure out how to get those glowing stars off the ceiling and get rid of the disco ball & velvet Elvis, and this place will be as good as new."  Also posed for my official Tech photo.  I was hesitant at first, but the SID said it could help win over the stragglers:

  5:30-7:00 PM- Staff meeting to cover the days progress.  Defense- check.  Offense- check.  Special teams- (in a high pitched voice) che-yeck.  Long John Silvers paid off- check.  Toothpaste mailed to Mack Brown- check.

7:01 PM- 9:00 PM- Home to the Overton for a nice dinner with the family.  Help the kids with their homework and watch an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. 

 9:00 PM- 11:00 PM- Film Study.  Not much to report here, other than JACKPOT!  Wow, we've got some young playmakers on this squad.  I am going to have Leong jump over a Ford Expedition filled with clowns and bunnies to raise a few extra bucks before the spring game.  Might need some help from Adam to get it loaded onto You Tube.

11:00 PM- Slip into bed and hum an Alabama song as I fall asleep.  "If you're gonna win in Texas..."

Did I mention this was fictional?  I made it all up. 

Except for the part about Long John Silvers and the velvet Elvis.