How dare you beat Baylor by less than a million points. Prepare to be eaten for your indiscretions. Below the jump, please enjoy the NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW NSFW transcript from the Mike Leach post-Baylor rant, and if I have time, also after the Kansas game. So far as I can tell, no one has taken the time to pen the entire thing. Part of me is doing this to forever preserve, in the old media of written word, the motivational speeches of the great Captain. Part of me is lying. And part of me just thinks it will look as funny on my monitor as it sounds in my ears.

Enjoy (did I mention NSFW?):

Here are the facts. The facts are, for significant portions of this season, this team has felt like they are entitled to something just 'cause the team before us won 11 games, and some of us participated in that. Well that's fucking bullshit. You see it happening around the country with some teams too. You know, everybody says what's wrong with this team, what's wrong with that team, odds are it's something similar. Odds are it's something similar. You know, as a team we act like, well, we're 11-2 and we just have to [mumble mumble] fuck that. You know, as a coach I didn't [mumble] call, the plays I called last year, they're all last year, they're just that; last year. As a player any play you made, that's all last year. And I'll tell you another thing. Some of you mother fuckers didn't play a snap last year? I mean if you're a receiver and you think you got credit because of Michael, because of one of Michael Crabtree's plays, you're out of your fucking mind, Michael Crabtree made that play! Graham Harrell made that play. Rylan Reed made that play. And over there on defense, the same thing. You know, you think, uh, you think you made that play? No, no Charbonnet made that play. Daniel Charbonnet. I mean, Darcel McBath made that play. Not you. Not you. I mean none of that shit adds up to this fucking year. [mumble] None of it. But the thing is it hasn't sunk in. And as coaches we failed to make it sink in for the duration of this year. Now, failed to make it sink in, well how do you make it sink in. Well you start by probably cutting some people. You start by getting some people who are more mentally tough. You start by benching people. You start by rolling the fuck out of somebody. I mean that's the fact of the matter. But I'll tell you -- here's how the season went, with all of our unsatisfactory games. Ok, against Texas, we'll play it close. We play that mother fucker close, and everybody's mommies and daddies are telling them how great they fucking are 'cause we played it close. Fuck playing it close, we lost the god damn game to the University of Texas and we could've won the mother fucker. Ok then based on that, the wealth of material that we did vs. Texas, we go play Houston, and the honest truth is, we're thinking well don't you remember, we're fucking 11-2 Texas Tech, we're just a little too good to play at Houston. When we lost our fucking asses, because we thought we were too good to fucking play. So then, we get on a roll, we do some good things, and we play Texas A&M. And we lost our fucking ass 'cause we thought we were too good to play Texas fucking A&M. Now how in the fuck can that be? Because we beat Kansas State? Because we put a thing on Kansas State as they put on A&M? Bullshit! How many of those plays were we able to dial up. How many? How many plays were we able to dial up? Not a fucking one. Alright, so then, we go play, uh, Oklahoma State where we go play together. We spent the whole day playing with nine. And I don't quite understand why we spent the whole day playing with nine. But we spent the whole day playing with nine. That's what happened. And, and, and I don't think, I don't know that we thought we were too good to play but we spent the whole day playing with nine. Ok. And then we came out and play these mother fuckers, and for two years in a row we thought we were too good to play. They thought last year's, the mighty 11-2 team, did not one of their fucking plays count this year? We thought we were too good to play Baylor. We thought we were too good. The mighty Red Raiders, oh yea, poo poo, fucking Baylor. Fuck you. And fuck me. And fuck everybody. That is fucking bullshit. And then we come out this year, after they rub our nose in the fact that we, they, that we're not too good to play with them and they do the same fucking thing this year. Because we don't fucking listen, and we can't pay attention to history, and we only half-ass fucking pay attention and listen! Because we want to tell everybody, yea at one time I was 11-2. Well that doesn't make you shit anymore! That doesn't make you shit. Oh but we're a young team, and then in the back of some of your minds, even though we don't talk about it, oh but we've been injured. Fuck that. Fuck. That. You know it's fucking bullshit, and I want that shit changed. I want that shit changed. As coaches we need to change it, as players we need to change it. We can't deal with success. As soon as we have a little bit of success, we think we're too fucking good. Ok, last year, we beat a team that's going to put, or last week we beat a team that's going to put a bunch of draft picks in the NFL. Yea we did, but that was last fucking week! That wasn't this week. That was last, fucking, week! That was last week. That wasn't this week. And so we're too good to play Baylor. Fuck us. That ain't true. You know, shit, what are our three goals, they beat us on all of them. Be a team. Be the most excited to play,  be the best at doing your fucking job. They beat us on all three. They didn't win the game, but they beat us on all three. Now, as coaches, we're going to meet, and we're going to meet, and we're going to decide what we're going to do this next week, and I don't know what it's going to be; I haven't quite decided. But I'll tell you one fucking thing. We do not have the mentality and identity that we need to beat a team that we need to beat. And I'll tell you that there's a couple of you guys, uh, that your current living situation is going to change. You know, I was sitting there, you know, we've got several of you, uh, particularly on offense, that all you do is pull mediocrity out of one another. Well you're going to live somewhere else. Last time I checked, we're paying the fucking bills. Last time I checked, you said you were either coaching or allowing it to happen. Well is this going to fix anything? I don't know. But I'm not going to sit there and watch people room together and be fucking mediocre. [Video ends.]

 

 

I would comment further but I'm too motivated. Instead, I am man, I am everything that is man, and I will punch 22 holes in my bedroom wall, run up the biggest hill in town and then throw myself down it, help an old lady cross the street, revive a dead squirrel just by scowling at it for being such a pussy, rob Toys R Us using just my charm, wit, and a bazooka, steal a Sega Genesis, even though they no longer sell Sega Genesis, and beat Altered Beast, twice, without picking up a single power up. I need no wolfman powers. I am the wolfman. I will do these things for you Coach Leach. Just please, I beg your mercy, do not roll the fuck out of me. It sounds something unpleasant.

Thanks for ten great years.

Update: Alright, the Kansas one is shorter, I'll do it too. Enjoy:

Transcript:

And I'll tell you another thing. Some of you, you uh, God squad guys I want you to think about this and then you can tell the others. Ok. What, what's God say, if you're lukewarm I will spew you out. [Players: Amen. Preach on Coach.] You know, if you're thinking about playing, if you're thinking about playing defense on this side of the brain, naw but the reason I mention this is as long we're going to be having all these prayers on the field and as long as we're doing all this other stuff, I want you to make sure that that's directed towards football, and that's fine, but you direct it towards football, too, ok? So you've got one side of the brain, you're a defensive player, I don't need one side of the brain that's playing defense and one side, gee I wonder this, I wonder that, I wonder the other thing, no, no screw that. Your whole head has got to be on defense. Your whole head has got to be on offense. Your whole head, for that play, has got to be on special teams. And if you're not doing that, uh, you guys throwing the Book around all the time, you're defying the Book.

Update 2: Garth Holliday thinks this is bullshit.